How to Save a Life
Today marks the 12th anniversary of my father’s death. The last time I visited him in New York, I was about 12 weeks pregnant and flew out on my own with my two-year-old twin daughters. I was aware of his rapidly declining health and knew it was probably the last time I would see him. When I was young, a favorite family outing for us was to go to the Bronx Zoo, so my father, sick as he was, wanted to take my daughters there when were in town. We had not been there long when I started bleeding and felt the immense fear that I was losing my baby. I’d felt it before, having already experienced two miscarriages. I had to ask my dad to leave so I could get off my feet and hopefully save my baby. I had this immense pressure being in my father’s house, on a mission to be sure he knew the Lord’s love for him and saving grace, and now trying to save this life within me, while needing to care for my energetic toddlers. I tried to will myself into calm, knowing that stress would make the likelihood of my miscarriage greater. We had a sweet time together those last few days, even without any big outings. When it was time to catch my flight home, somehow my dad managed to walk me to the gate, he never was one to take “no” for an answer. I knew when I kissed him goodbye, that would be the last time I saw him. I boarded the plane and flew home, putting on a brave face for my daughters as my heart broke inside.
I was not able to save that baby. The ultrasound technician wasn’t allowed to tell me the heartbeat was gone, but we knew by the silence and the look on her face.
Should I not have gone? Would my baby have lived if I didn’t put my body through the stress of flying out to NY and caring for my father for those few days? Was it worth it?
I find myself reflecting on that today, as we have spent the past two years doing everything we can to preserve our lives. We took no chances, we avoided all risk, we locked down and kept our distance, we did whatever we could to protect our health. Or we did the opposite, we protested, we bucked the system, we shouted and sought our freedom and did whatever we could to protect our lifestyle. And we are proud! We are arrogant and nasty and headstrong and stubborn, with deaf ears and judgmental hearts looking down on everyone around us for whatever form of self-preservation they preferred over our own. Where is the Gospel in this? How can we claim to follow Jesus and act this way?
“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?” (Matthew 16:25-26)
I know that as I follow Christ my life is not my own. I am called to attend to and serve the sick just as He did. I am called to be brave and not seek my own preservation but seek to be salt and light to the world around me. The freedom I desire is not for my own whim but to be free to live for Christ and serve Him however He calls me. We are so determined to grab hold of our own lives with a white-knuckled grip and the harder we grasp the more we lose!
What is your life worth to you? Is it worth never seeing your family again? Is it worth rejecting others and covering those you used to love and respect with shame and condemnation? I’ll tell you what your life is worth to God, it is worth Him enduring a lifetime of shame and ridicule, it is worth His suffering, it is worth an excruciating, long and slow death on a cross. If we focus on saving our own lives, we are going to miss everything this life has to offer. So much goodness and love and grace. We will be so blinded by self-preservation that we lose the very thing we are trying to hold onto. The life we long for comes through following Jesus Christ. It comes in taking risks for Him, not for our own selfish desires. It comes in letting go and trusting in what we cannot see, because we know that the One who sees everything loves and cares for us so much that rather than seek His own self-preservation, He gave His life for us that we might be alive in Him.
So when I think back to that last visit with my dad, do I regret going? Do I wish I would have stayed put in Santa Fe and not have risked losing my baby? No, I don’t. I don’t regret for a minute that I got to show my dad unconditional love and grace for a few days at the end of his life. I don’t regret that he got to spend a few fun days with my daughters. I don’t regret that I was able to pray over him and share the Gospel and show him how the Lord took a selfish, lazy girl and turned her into a loving, caring servant. I don’t regret it because I know the Lord determines my steps because I trust in Him. It was not what I wanted, not what I hoped for, not what I prayed for, but I know my God is good in all things, and I can rest in that.
I pray that the church will live this year, that we will live the life Christ has given us, no more fear, no more selfishness, no more condemnation. Let this be the year we let go of all that lies behind and ties us to this world and grasp hold of Jesus and follow Him with all our might.
