Getting Through the Hard Times in Marriage
My husband and I always joke at marriage conferences when the MC gives away marriage books to the newlyweds and the couples who’ve been married for the longest, that those of us in the middle, going home to young kids, struggling to make financial ends meet, and often not knowing how we’ll make it through the next month are the ones that could really use a freebie. I’m sure it would be awkward for the announcer to ask, “who has been married 7-15 years and feels worn out and hopeless and needs all the help they can get?” I probably wouldn’t raise my hand, but secretly I’d be screaming “me, me, me!!” There are hard years in marriage, there are seasons of peace and seasons of strife. If I’m honest, for the past 15 years I’ve been married, at least once a year (and sometimes it’s once a month) I’ve thought that I can’t do it anymore. I’ve questioned the purpose of my marriage. I’ve thought it was a big mistake to begin with and have come up with a million reasons to justify calling it quits. If I posted them on social media, you’d probably like and comment an understanding response. As Christians, it isn’t that we have any less reasons to give up than the world, it’s that we have such a greater example to keep fighting.
Look Up
We have to look to Jesus on the cross. This is our vision of marriage, a perfect savior, sinless, enduring ever slander, every insult, immense suffering and pain, all the while granting us forgiveness. That is the primary vision we have to get us through the hard times in our marriages. We like to paint ourselves the heroes in our own stories, the righteous ones, the innocent party in our conflicts. There was only one righteous, and his response to our sin was sacrifice and love. Jesus took the first step, made the first move, loved us so fiercely that he was willing to suffer in our place.
“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:5-8).
Obedience isn’t always easy. In fact, usually when we are considering the call to obedience, it’s something we don’t want to do. It’s an opportunity to go to war with our flesh and all of the earthly, worldly parts of ourselves that want to give up on fighting the good fight (1Timothy 6:12). When the fight seems the hardest, when we are at our weakest and cannot see the way forward, we must in those moments look up to Jesus above all, and in seeing him persevere in love and grace, we can persevere as well.
Look Back
“Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8).
When I am angry with my husband, or hurt by him, or feeling like I don’t want to keep going in my marriage, the last thing I want to do is think of good things about him. Sometimes I can’t think of good things, all I see is the trial before me and my hurt, and the past years of marriage are clouded by a dark squall of negativity. Because God commands me to think of the good things, I can trust that there is going to be help and healing in doing so. When my mind is fixed on Christ, I know that he has gone before me in sacrificial love. I know that I have been forgiven much with undeserved grace and mercy. Looking to Christ first, I now can make the choice to think of the good things in my marriage even though I don’t want to. It’s not about my husband or myself at this point, it’s about Jesus. This is the time to get out a journal and start writing the good things about my husband. I did marry him after all, there has to be something positive I can think of! Some days it may just be that he came home from work. It may be that we go to church together on Sundays. It may not be an amazing, romantic revelation, it may just be simple things that I can cling to when everything else feels really bad and hopeless. The enemy is assaulting our minds with fiery darts, he is being strategic to attack our minds with all of the reasons for doubt and discouragement. We must fight him by replacing those accusations with truth and love. If we allow those negative thoughts to have free reign, they will quickly spiral into despair and hatred. We have to take those thoughts captive and actively replace them with lovely thoughts. We must be diligent about it.
We can also look back to the saints who have gone before us. I never cease to be amazed at the sinfulness of the men and women of the old testament. They made huge mistakes, and yet they are listed in Hebrews 11 as men and women of great faith. Rahab teaches me that my past sexual sin does not define me. Abraham teaches me that my husband can have missteps and failings, but still be a friend of God. Sarah teaches me that I can have doubts and fears and be headstrong and controlling, but God will still work his purpose and fulfill his promise in spite of my lack of faith. Every person we look to tells a story of unmerited love and favor. Remembering those who have gone before us and seeing the Lord’s constant love and relationship with them should inspire us to follow his example and remain faithful and steadfast to our own spouses.
Look Around
One of the biggest lies I believed in the early years of my marriage was that my marriage was the only one struggling. I felt like we were failing as Christians, embarrassed and ashamed that things were so difficult. I feared losing friends and facing judgement if people knew what was really going on. I worried I was unfit for ministry, that God couldn’t use me if we had these issues in our lives. I have found that to be utterly untrue. When I have broken down and shared about my struggles, people have responded with love and understanding. Other couples have confessed their own struggles that are similar if not the same. We should seek help often and quickly. We are called to walk this hard road together, and we should take advantage of the brothers and sisters we have around us.
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” (James 5:16).
We must humble ourselves and seek the help of friends. We need faithful friends to turn to that can hold us accountable and help us see the light when we cannot do so on our own. I know that some of us may feel like we don’t have friends that close, but in the body of Christ we are all brothers and sisters. I promise you that if you call your pastor and ask for someone to meet with that can help you through this time, he will point you in the right direction.
Start Again
“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24)
God’s mercies are new every morning. That means that every new day brings new hope for our marriages. Yesterday may have been horrible, our hearts may be broken, our eyes may be puffy and red from tears, but today we can start again. Remember that God’s love is faithful and steadfast, if Jesus can conquer death, he can resurrect your marriage. Put your hope in your God and not your spouse. A new day is dawning. The mistakes of yesterday are forgiven. Trust in the Lord, steady and true we can press on, fixing our eyes on Jesus. I pray for everyone reading this, that the Lord will reveal himself to you in a powerful way. That he will give you the strength and grace to press on when all seems lost. May your hope be in him alone, and may your marriage be a testimony of mercy and forgiveness that shows the world what a great savior we have in Jesus Christ.
